Almonds have the decency to look tasty and be tasty, without rendering you wondering what you just ate and what in the world you are doing. They are good in many ways that other nuts are not:

With walnuts for instance, which by God are tasty fuckers, you always got that tiny and way radical part of your mind going; “It doesn’t just look like a fossil…”, and you really don’t wanna picture yourself eating something preserved. Walnuts are kind of scary because except for the nutty taste they really could be a lot of things not nutlike, and you don’t want your mind to be in doubt when you’re eating.

Pistachios come off as great nuts too but they are sucky for two reasons. 1; when you’re drunk the shells and nuts look the same and 2; there are always pistachios too reluctant to cope with your idea of eating them. Almonds don’t cover you with that kind of guilt and conscience issues; they just lie there naked and tan, ready for anything! Peanuts come on to you in the same way but they always remind me of the little greasy Italian men that escort the tall mink wearing ladies smoking cigarette from a cigarette holder around. Who would want to eat the Joe Pesci or Danny DeVito version of nuts, honestly? The mentioned ladies are represented here by the cashews; just looking at them sound the alarms and you know involvement only results in drama. Nothing that bend, can possibly produce a positive outcome and even though they look good covered in chocolate, you know there’s a bill waiting somewhere in a not too distant future.

Pecan nuts are the promiscuous nuts of the nut family; not only do they slightly resemble the female genitalia, they are also greasy enough to lubricate three consecutive porn movies productions. If you eat a pecan pie by yourself you might as well inform your dear old mother, that you’re deeply involved in the adult movie industry. Pay attention the next time your drink; you might not want a whole pie but you sure could go for a slice, just like a lap dance seems like a splendid way to indebt yourself at 2am. Pecan nuts are the childhood dream that you really ought to let go of as an adult.

The hazel nut is really not too bad at all. It’s the only nut that we picture when we think of nuts and it is very lovely too. That’s also the hazelnut’s downfall; recognition and “lovely” just doesn’t cut it in the nut hall of fame, you want excellence! And with the hazelnut, just like grandpa and grandma, when all the fuzz is gone and people are calm, you end up thinking; “What am I doing with these things?! I could be out with my friends, having a beer!” No the Hazelnut, much like Walt Disney and granny, should only be given a warm welcome around Christmas.

Except for contributing to the liquor industry, coconuts are nearly the lowest low in the nut hierarchy. They look as if the damn palm decided to grow balls at some point, which perfectly matches the juices inside and the hairy rock’ish exterior. The coconut is the only nut that can kill you instantly and it is also the toughest nut to crack. You will likely end up with a hammer, an oversized flathead screwdriver, sweat beating off your forehead, three bloody fingers and a horde of friends suffocating from laughter, before you realize that you’re just not man enough for these cojones!

Finally we got all the nerdy goofballs claiming that a large variety of seeds belong to the nut family as well, and I say foolish! Seeds are the nut-kids that didn’t make it through teenage hood; thus not worthy of this argument. Only adult nut are allowed on my salad and seeds can go apply for welfare and the birdcage.

No; I think it’s safe to assume that almonds are the king of nuts.

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